Jokes Archive starting from 501 to 600
- A Dying Democrat - An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democr...
- Republican In The Porch - A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a da... - The Clinton Family - Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month."
Bill took Chelsea in ... - President Acts God - A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President ... - Clintons at a ball game - Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The ... - Interesting Questions - Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to
talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy
puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what... - Arnold- the composer - Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
... - Curfew in Baghdad - A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad.
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives,... - Proud terrorists fathers - Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up ... - So That Is Politics - A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thinks a little and says, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist beca...
- Bush Leadership Test - While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
- Political Trial - At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn... - Bush Jogging - George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water... - Comparing Equipment - The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse.
The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the... - Clinton And The Genie - Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, co... - Presidental Call - The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have t... - Politics - A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call ... - Bush vs. Osama - Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to...
- The Train Ride - In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the... - Bin Laden's Surprise - After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry co... - Nativity Scene - The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,
they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in
the Nation's capitol. There was... - Bush And Gore Fishing - Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and G... - The Buttons - One day, George bush travels to Afghanistan to attempt peace talks with Osama bin Laden.
The two sit down to talk, and George asks him if peace was possible, then Osama bin Laden pushed a button, and a fist on a spring came ou... - Animal Bureaucrats - An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agr... - Nixon's Desease - A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers
that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,"How am I going to her
that she has crabs?"
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office... - Artificial Intelligence - A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it ... - Powerful Bush - A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't m... - Taliban TV Guide - MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Pr... - Five Surgeons - Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
<... - The Firing Squad - Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fe...
- God's Letter - A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President ... - Bush, Einstein and Picasso - Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for... - Cops Test - The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They pla... - For My Country - There were 4 people: A Congress man, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and a solider and they were all in a helicopter. The pilot said that someone needs to jump, so Osama jumps and says: "this is for my country". A couple minutes later the pilot says som...
- Unusual Laws - "No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United State... - Dog - What does Bill Clinton and his dog have in common?
They both go after rotten p... - Tony Blair's TIE! - Q:What do you call something that is 12 inches long and hangs infront of an arsehole?
A:Tony Blair's ... - mexican vs pizza - what is the difference between a mexican and a pizza?
a pizza can serve a family of four... - star wars - why did they inventglow in the dark condoms?
so gay people can play star ... - Tony Blair - Whats the difference between Tony Blair
and a tampon?
Nothing there both stuck up cun... - Come Again? - Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted, and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear, and said, "Come again?" "No," said...
- hillary clinton - Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.
Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved o... - What Is Politics? -
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll ca... - Presidential Bird -
Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" "Well, ma'am," the manager explained, "not eve... - Hillary's Got Crabs - Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him ba... - Puffy Cheeks - Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She's withholding evid... - Bill & Monica - What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my elec... - The First Bun In The Oven - Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape, but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said th... - Al Gore - How are Al Gore and a tampon alike?
They're both stuck up pus... - Try And Talk Your Way Out Of This One - Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that, since Hell is full, Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell...
- Presidential Policy - President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some ... - Political Bull Sh!t - Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly.and for the same re... - Political Emblem Change - EMERGENCY NOTICE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS!!!!!
Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political... - How Many People Can You Make Happy? - The Gores and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I ... - Clinton Jokes - Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out
and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: Wh... - President's Speech in Ebonics - The following statement has been translated into ebonics.
Good evening.
(Yo Yo Yo, s'up?).
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
Office
of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today at my crib these
suckers
...
- Summer Lovin - The following song is sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez,... - Johnny Cochran's top 10 - From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of
United States v. William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, le... - What Clinton should have said - What Clinton SHOULD have said...
Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, y... - Lewinsky Limmerick's - Quiz
Requirement: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a
limerick.
Winning Contestants' Entries
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this... - Empty Cans Are Worth Good Money - When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, cur... - Bill Clinton's Going To Die? - During a recent public outing, Hillary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be b... - JFK Jr. - Why was John-John flying that night?
Ted offered him a ... - Wrong Pig - Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later ... - U.S. Deductions - A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it... - A Collection - A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines...
- Clinton's Dillema - Why doesn't Bill Clinton get involved in the Elian Gonzalez affair?
Last time he was involved with a Cuban, he was impea... - Stone-Age Mad-Man - What do Fred Flintstone and Saddam Hussien have in common?
They both live next to ru... - Lewinsky's Mouth - Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. l... - Saving The President - One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of... - A Robber Meets A Theif - Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In tha... - From The Menu - Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?"
Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."
The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you'... - Your Clock's Spinning - A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
...
- Should They Be Underneath The Pants? - White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
The day wor... - Hillary with St. Peter - Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a ...
- Janet??? - First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no t...
- Dr. Seuss goes to Washington - I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties... - Monica's Fear - A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon see... - Liars - A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.
The next day, the p... - Gun Revange - A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes o...
- Losing Engines - Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three eng...
- Playing Fetch - The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said... - Getting Up - A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go ... - Blondes In Heaven - Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home ear...
- The Circle - A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his poc... - Flower Curse - Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The... - Blonde Puzzle - One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.
"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Fla... - Blonde Exam - A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes...
- Going Fishing - A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't ... - Keeping A Secret - At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I dont know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret sinc... - Pyramid Of Jokes - There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 ... - Blonde Bar - A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very ... - A Wild Horse Ride - A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins ...
- Tossing The Coin - A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes...
- Going Home Early - There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.
After this pattern continued for a few we... - Stuck On An Island - A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So ...
- Buying Flowers - A BLONDE and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.
The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."
The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"
The brunette says:"... - Make-Over - Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She... - Taming The Lion - A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This... - Too Close - A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would y...
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