Jokes Archive starting from 401 to 500

• No Way - Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

  Jones sighed, "Everything went wr...

• How Much Is That Barbie In The Window - Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

  He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the wind...

• Brains Available - A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."

  The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants...

• The Better Mistress - A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

  His wife glares at him and says, ...

• 10 things only women understand - 10. Cats' facial expressions

  9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

  8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

  7. Fat clothes

  6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your ...

• 10 ways to know if you have PMS - 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

  Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husb...

• Men & Women At An ATM - Men & Women At An ATM HIM: Pull up to ATM Insert card Enter PIN number and account Take cash, card and receipt Go! HER: Pull up to ATM Check makeup in rearview mirror Shut off engine Put keys in purse Get out of car b/c you're...
• Simple Division - A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

  Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

  I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 y...

• Ask Another Doctor - The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

  By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home....

• After The Funeral - A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.

  Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, ...

• Which Way? - The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

  While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed w...

• Fired - Boss: You are Fired!
  Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
  Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motion...
• Differences - Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
  A: About 45 Pounds.
  Q: And between a husband and a boyfriend?
  A: about 45 min...
• Lawyers - Q: What do lawyers use as birth-control?
  A: Their personalities.
  Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
  A: His lips are mo...
• Blonde's Pain - A blonde touches her knee with her finger and yells Ouch. The same with her elbow and ear. The doctor examines her and says: Madam, your finger is br...
• Bad News - A Doctor tells a patient: ''I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease''. The man replies: ''Well, thank god I don't have cance...
• Man's Heart - ''Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too hi...
• Stupid Husband - A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ''what are you doing'', he shouts. The wife replies to her lover: ''I told you he was stupi...
• Blondes and UFOs - Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
  A: There have been sightings of ...
• Talking - A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
  His answer: Depends, if I can find a p...
• Punishment - Pupil: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
  Teacher: no, of course not.
  Pupil: good, because i didn't do my home...
• Lawyers - Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
  A: Professional courtesy.
  Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
  A: The bu...
• Psychoanalysis - Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already t...
• Knocking - If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife knocking on the front door who would you let in first?
  The dog. at least he would shut up once he i...
• How Did You Know? - A Woman in a store buys milk and bread.
  Man at counter: ''Bet your'e single''.
  Woman: ''Yes! You knew it because of what I bought?''.
  Man: ''No, your'e just ug...
• Who Listens? - First year of marriage: the man speaks, the woman listens.
  Second year: the woman speaks, the man listens.
  Third year: they both speak and the neighbors li...
• Sexual Excuse - Pupil: ''Is sexual exhaustion can be an excuse for not doing this week's assignment?''
  Teacher: ''No, you'll just have to write with your other han...
• Sleeping - Man to wife on wedding night: ''Are you sure I'm the first man you are
  sleeping with?''
  Wife: ''Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the other...
• Best Quality - A wife asked her husband: ''What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
  my sexy body?''
  He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ''your
  sense of hum...
• Mistakes - Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
  remembering the same t...
• Dead Lawyer - Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
  A: There are skid marks in front of the s...
• A Ring - The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
  "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone numb...
• Speaking Part - Kid: ''dad, I got a role in the school play, I play a man who's been married for twenty years''.
  Father: ''That's great son. One day you'll get a speaking pa...
• Thinnest Book - Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
  A: What Men Know About Women
  Q: What did God say after creating man?
  A: I can do be...
• A Dancer - Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
  Boy: What are the two things?
  Girl: Your ...
• Second Opinion - Doctor to patient: '''You are very sick''.
  Patient: ''Can I get a second opinion?''.
  Doctor: ''Yes, you are very ugly t...
• Dead Elephant - A: Why are you crying?
  B: The elephant is dead.
  A: Was he your pet?
  B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his g...
• Good And Bad News - Doctor: "I have good news and bad. The good is you have 24 hours to live."
  Patient: "Oh no! then what's the bad news?"
  Doctor: ''I forgot to call you yester...
• Cows - Two cows are standing in a field.
  One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
  The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a hor...
• Snail - A snail walks into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that ...
• A Bra - Wife: ''Give me some money. I want to buy a bra''.
  Husband: ''Why? You have nothing to put in it!''
  Wife: ''Well, You wear shor...
• Ten Pounds - Wife: ''I just lost ten pounds!''
  Husband: ''Turn around, I think I found th...
• Turn Off Clinton - First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telli...
• Knowing American History - It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
  
  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me De...
• Bus With Politicians - A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
  
  The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicia...
• Expensive Dish - A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
  
  Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...
  
  Broiled Missionary: $10.00
  Fried Explorer: $15.00
  Baked Poli...
• Modest Berlusconi - Berlusconi meets a child in the street. He pats the boy's head and says, ''Hi, cute kid. What's your name?'' ''Marco,'' says the boy. ''And how old are you, Marco?'' Marco answers, ''Nine.'' Il Cavaliere says, ''Shame on you! By your age, I wa...
• A Name To Every Leader - Conversation between Condolezza Rice and George Bush...
  
  (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
  
  George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
  
  Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
  
  Geor...
• Democrat On The Porch - A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
  
  "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a da...
• A Horse Respect - A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the ...
• English Hospitality - An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter. <...
• The Art Of Speech - In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.'
  
  In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.
  
  -Conan O'...
• Bush In Hell - One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
  
  "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely hav...
• Automatic Radio - A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
  
  "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it ...
• Iraqis On Star Trek - The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
  Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I've seen in America."
  ...
• Schwarzenegger Quotes - Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger:
  
  "Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention
  
  "To those critics who are so pessimistic...
• Receiving Mail - Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
  the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
  then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
  As Bush (senior) was getti...
• Connection To Hell - During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in th...
• Hillary's Visit - Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.
  
  After her talk she offers question time.
  One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
  
  "Kenneth."
  "A...
• Clinton In Heaven's Gate - George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink."
  Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks ba...
• Give Bill More Time - Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
  As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
  George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
  And Bill Clinton smirks and...
• Matzo Balls - When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and
  for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef
  and offer a truly Jewish meal.
  
  At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo b...
• Fairy Tale - "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
  
  "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elect...
• Terrible Smell - One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it w...
• Bush In Heaven - Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
  
  Einstein ponders for a...
• Bastard - Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out a...
• Shark Fishing - One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.
  
  When he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst...
• Clintons At a Yankees Game - The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
  out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
  Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
  President's ear.
  
  Pres...
• Land of OZ - The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
  
  "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFO...
• Dubya - While walking down the street, Dubya was struck by a large wheel of cheese that fell out of SwissAir flight 19.
  
  Sadly. George does not make it and his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
  
  "Welcome...
• Clintons on Vacation - Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school ...
• Tragedy - John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
  
  The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".
  
  S...
• Prostate Surgery - Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.
  
  John Edwards called to wish Kerry well.
  
  Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
  
  Howard Dean called ...
• Golden Urinal - Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.
  
  After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the P...
• Advanced Medicine - An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
  
  A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out ...
• Dear Abby - Dear Abby,
  
  I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
  carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
  one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. <...
• Presidential Advice - One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
  Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
  help the country?"
  
  "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
  
  T...
• Who's Stupid? - George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
  
  Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of ...
• Brain Transplant - A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
  
  After a battery of physical and psychological t...
• Avoiding The Vote - Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.
  
  Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will ...
• Dead Politicians - A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.
  
  The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large g...
• The Wizard Of OZ - The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
  
  "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
  
  Jimmy Carter stepped f...
• Clocks In Heaven - A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
  
  St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clo...
• John Kerry Fan - A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
  Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
  
  The teacher a...
• Republican and Democrat - A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
  
  The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his ...
• Condom Emergency - Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
  
  "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
  
  "Mr. Putin...
• Common Similarities - What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?
  
  English is their second lang...
• Kindergarten Lecture - Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
  After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and
  girls, you can ask me questions now."
  
  A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashc...
• Donations To Bush - A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
  
  He notices a police officer walking back and forth between t...
• Republican Advice Bush - On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Washington advises him: "Be honest above all else and s...
• A Democrat High In The Air - A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
  She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
  
  ...
• Democrats Vs. Republicans - Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:
  
  Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're enti...
• Democratic Navigation - A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps .
  After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
  One of them studied the map for some time, turning
  it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
  consulting his compass, and finally...
• President Favor - George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to s...
• The Village Idiot - One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.
  
  "I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.
  
  Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.
  
  "Na...
• Politician And Sperms - Question : What does a politician and a sperm have in common?
  
  Answer : Only one out of millions will become a human b...
• Who Slapped Clinton? - Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
• The Three Surgeons - One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.
  "Oh yeah," the first one yells. "One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano...
• Saddam Is History - It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.
  
  The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"? ...
• Get Out Saddam! - One evening Saddam decides to visit his most intelligent wife, opens the bedroom door, and finds her studying. "Ah," he says, "she must be studying for that history exam." So he strolls through the palace to the bedroom of the wife who is the best co...