Jokes Archive starting from 301 to 400
- Vocabulary Lesson - One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, "dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?...
- Who Do You Think I Am? - A man was watching the football game one Sunday morning, when his wife walked into the living room and said, "Honey, the refrigerator doesn't seem to be working very well. Can you take a look at it?"
The husband said, "Who do I look like, th... - A Dying Man's Cookies - An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wa... - Bubba had three daughters - One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the
door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.
The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick
up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she ... - Use more soap - A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several w... - One Up - Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two
weeks ... - Don't Mess With Women - One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forg... - 3 Dumb Guys and a Genie - OK, so there are 3 guys, and they are walking down the beach, when they find an old barnacle-encrusted bottle laying on the shore. One of the guys, says
"Hey look. Its a bottle hehe", and he picks it up and throws it. It cracks against a nearby p... - Ed Zachary - A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.
... - Female at different ages - What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to ... - Test Results - Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples fro... - The Sins of Leroy - Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well
Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy
you anythi... - Bad Luck - A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with m...
- Blondes - Why did the blonde get fat after doing her homework?
Because the teacher told her to do an E... - Space schuttle - There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman
on board. The control centre is the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down
and he is told to release the pressu... - Virgin Brides - A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on h...
- Health Violation - Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A:A quater-pounder with ch... - asian lesbian - What do you call a lesbian asian?
min... - Poor Old Lady - When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me p...
- Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve - 10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would... - Ederly - Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breast
A: Her belly-b... - fishy - Q. What smells fishy and ends with unt
A. Rex... - Mother - One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger me...
- The Porcupine & The Porsche! - What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche???
With a Porsche, the prick is on the insid... - A glass of milk - A guy went on a date with a girl and it went so well that they ended up back at HER place.
They went up stairs and they started having sex,after giving it to her 5 times the guy's bellend was red raw so when she was sleeping he went downstai... - The Coffin - This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husband's eye. She b... - 3 women in a bar... - 3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. The first woman says;"mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!"
the second woman replies with;"that's nothing. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit bot... - Golf Ball - A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when...
- The Rules - A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on th...
- look up. plug ups. - why do women parachutists wear tampons? so's they don't whistle on the way ...
- hehe - what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon??
see you next p... - the thing - what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t??
a cocanut
... - woman & computer - Similiarity between a woman and a computer!
Both can accept a 3.5 inch f... - slack or not??? - Three girls are sitting on stools at a bar. The 3 of them are arguing on who is the slackest. The first one says: "My boyfriend can put his whole fist in my pussy!!!" The second one says: "Oh ya? Well my boyfriend can put his whole head in my pussy!"...
- breathalyzer test - A police officer was making his daily round. Suddenly, a red corvet passed by him at a 100 m/h. He went after the car and stoped it. As he walked towards the car's window, he noticed that the driver was a gorgeous blond. He went to her and asked for ...
- mood ring - wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his fore...
- Pit Bull -
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse w... - Simple Division -
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 ye... - The 4 'F' Rules Every Girl Should Live By -
Find them
Feed them
Fuck them
Forget them
...
- The Elderly Have Fun Too - A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing ... - A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist - An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking ... - A Lease On Love - A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,...
- The Koala Bear Defined - A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing.
As he was he... - Not You're Normal Family - A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter's bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator.
"What are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 and still living at home with my paren... - Gypsy Lovin' - A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a
problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her wh... - 50 Revised Rules for Women - These rules will hopefully help women understand men:
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle... - Physical Exam - A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one
look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He
immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to
stroke her thigh.
As he... - Crusty Underwear - What do you call the white crusty stuff on women's underwear?
Klitty li... - Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth - What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's... - 3 best things about being a woman - The best three things for being a women are:
You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him...
- Pussy or Bitch - After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new
words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his
mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she
opened up an encyclopedia and show...
- Things a perfect woman would say -
I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Tammy o...
- Martian Lovin' - The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how t... - You May Feel A Little Prick - A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and s...
- Eye Rubbers - Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scr... - Wife Acronym - Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "... - Making Fish Stix - One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and t... - Female Reindeer - What do Santa's female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the male reindeer pull his sleigh?
Oh, not much... They just head into town to blow a few b... - Here's Your Choice - An old lady at a nursing home walks up to one of the male patients, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", puts her skirt down and walks away.
She then walks up another male patient, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy",... - THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY - THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!
9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!
7- Her tits are just way too big.
6- ... - Growing Wild - There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to ... - Women's tee shirts - Women's T-shirts
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
... - Life is an egg - If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ev...
- 2 Old Ladies & A Condom - Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued... - Honeymoon - The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon
for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that
we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We w... - A Good date - These three women were roommates. One night they all
had all gone out on dates and all came home at about
the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good
date when you come home with your hair all messed
up."
... - I Am Glad I Am A Woman -
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act lik... - Baked Beans On Your Birthday - Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a
maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it beca...
- A beautiful fairy tale - Once upon a time a beautiful independent self
assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome
prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One
kiss from you and I will turn back into a ...
- Freezing - Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When
they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he
gets back,
He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says,"Well, put them here between my thi... - Who Was More Drunk? - Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was ... - Canadian Lesbians - Q: What do you call a lesbian from Canada?
A: A Klondyke... - One-Liners Of Women - Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she... - Gas Problem - A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in...
- New And Improved Barbie! -
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of
blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and
watch h...
- Watch What You Ask For - Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowh... - Risky Proposition - A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man ... - Don't Be Ridiculous - After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her.
"Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."
"Don't be ridiculous!" she s... - More Freedom - How do you give a woman more freedom?
Make the kitchen la... - A Penis And What??? - A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong??"
The doctor says, "Well... - She's So Vane - The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
Th... - Men Aren't Dogs... - What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see... - Ignorance - Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is b... - Birth Control Pills - A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills.
"Ma'am, how old are you?"
"I'm 75."
"What possible need do you have for birth control pills?"
"They help me sleep better."
The doctor looked perplexed. "Just how do bir... - Insulted Wife - The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says,
'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look?
Does it make me look younger?'
'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the
wrinkles out of your f... - Female Viagra - What do you call female Viagra?
Jew... - When She Starts To Look Good.... - A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that... - Dumb Beast - A PETA protester screamed at the woman in a fur coat, "Don't you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that fur?"
Unfazed, the woman replied, "That's true, but think of what I had to go through! I dated ... - Why - Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have ... - What Position? - "Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride.
"What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use ... - Kids Seem To Like Her - After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she's a good cook and the kids seem to like ... - That Nagging, Sagging Feeling - Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took ... - Wedding Night - A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young w...
- You - An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our childre...
- Dolly Parton - Q. Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
A. Because nothing grows well in the s... - Traditional Roles Blown Away - Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.
After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to obser... - The Rules - A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll c...
- A Long Life? - A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
... - This Place Stinks - A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. ...
- Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job - A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sen...
|
