Jokes Archive starting from 201 to 300
- Looking Young - A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,
humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she was
so happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the
breasts of a twenty year ... - Talking Too Much - Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much ... - Obstetrician Visit - Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.... - True Love - A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.
After a while the husband ... - Can't Cook - A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So ... - Ugly Baby - A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his ... - Back to the Honeymoon - A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
"Sweetheart, ... - Why Men Can't Win - If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you... - The Interview - The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed h...
- Last Request - Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terribl... - Fresh Marriage Breakfest - Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.
- Permanent Erection - A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was someth... - Mortician In Shock - A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
- Beware Of Pregnant - Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife:
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a b... - Medical Orders - A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husban... - Fishing Experience - A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take ...
- Women's Bumper-Stickers - Women's Bumper-Stickers
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SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
MY MOTHER IS A ... - Labor Pills - Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels re...
- The Carburettor - "The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there... - Slow Driver - Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver o...
- Bingo Winner - This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.
One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won... - Blind Date - A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So ... - Doctor's Wife - A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the... - Saving Up - On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.
Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coff... - Last Request - Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terr... - Firm It Up! - One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The n... - Car Accident - A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.
Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,
"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed.
Fortunately, we aren't... - Girls Night Out - Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested th... - Wedding Anniversary - Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." ... - Funeral - A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a ... - Sex On The Beach - A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.
- No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us.
- Poor Skunk - There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.
The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it.
On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered fo... - Don't Step On A Duck! - Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly ... - Catching A Tan - Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped o...
- Bad Language - A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Sudde... - Nude Drive - A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts... - Silver Jubilee - Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objecte... - Saying the Right Thing - Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Ma...
- Who's Penis Is it? - Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "... - Cat Food - A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
- Farting Lady - A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally ... - King Solomon's Wisdom - Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they... - Fast Divorce - A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly in... - Indian Ride - A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they r... - Cheating Statue - A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
"Don't move! You're a statue!"
The husb... - CIA Test - After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will f... - Creation Of Women - Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman... - New Born Baby - There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivere...
- Face-Lifting Death - A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hosp... - Doctor Examination - A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "We... - Cheating Boyfriend - A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with g...
- Genie In A Bottle - A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.
Now both the husband and wi... - Escaped Prisoner - A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While...
- To Feel Like A Woman - On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
... - Profitable Donation - A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here t... - Italian Wedding Night - Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care... - Wife's Devotion - A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions caref... - Christmas Tatoo - A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it come...
- King Solomon Trial - Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the K... - Marriage Is... - A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
... - Message for the Boss - A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and, when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. "Are you the boss of this ...
- Better not pull her over - A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caugh... - With A Little Help From My Spouse - A husband is driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him.
Suddenly, the police siren is heard, and he is requested to stop.
The policman comes to him and says:
"sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the... - Must Be A Dentist - A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
- ATM machine - How to use an ATM machine
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and rece... - Mother of Six - A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go ho... - Donating Body Fluids - A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting.... - Winning The Lottery - A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beac... - Serious Accident - An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok ... - New ATM Procedures - A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing
new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been
tailored to best reflect the beha... - Loving Wife - A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.
Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present ... - 20 Years - A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wal... - Teddy Bears - A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
- Golf - A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a... - Politically Correct Woman - Politically Correct Woman:
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO M... - Red Tomatoes - A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks h... - Powder Viagra - This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The ... - 20 Years Of Marrage - A couple were married for 20 years.
Everytime they had sex the husband would insist the lights to be turned of.
The wife was getting bored of the same thing everytime.
So that night when they were having sex the wife turned... - Arsenic - A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"
The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.
Horrified, the phar... - The Angry Wife - The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on ... - In The Hotel Lobby - A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The ... - Married Women - Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fr... - How Much? - A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervous... - Perfume - A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beau... - Pregnant - A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she
has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
... - Woman Will Always Be - A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
i... - Wild Thinking - A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left.
He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other bird... - Revenge - A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to... - Four Animals - A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing
in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what
- Mixed Up Words - A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need
to see the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'co... - Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women - 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the u... - Slogans for Women - 1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I'm a multi-tasker ... - Adam Mate - One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".
"What is that my son", God answered.
"Well it would be nice to have a... - Illnesses - A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww
- Revenge - A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger ...
- Marriage - A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the rece...
- Car Shopping - A lovely lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
looks arou... - Sweetheart Present - A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
Accom... - Periods and Paychecks - Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?
Well...:
They come once a month,
They get her stressed,
And if one don't come...SHES IN TRO... - The Dial - A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial.
"If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin."
The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But ...
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