Jokes Archive starting from 101 to 200

• Y2k My Ass - This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to ev...
• Lottery Ticket - A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf.
  
  A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.
  
  Her husband says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her s...
• Silent Entry - A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
  
  One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse ...
• Hiding Smokers - Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."
  
  The second...
• Gentle Touch - A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to ...
• Nude Tan - A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it...
• Going To Jesus - Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven...
• 500$ - Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wea...
• Sex Change - A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much a...
• Would You Marry Again? - One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
  The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without h...
• Keeping Pure - This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
  "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure unti...
• Devil's Voice - The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
  "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found mys...
• Wonderful Threesome - The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
  The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I...
• Where Babies Come From - A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
  
  "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up an...
• If I Wasn't Rich - A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".
  
  His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know ...
• 3 Times A Cheater - Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, ''Betty, have you ever cheated on me?''
  
  Betty replies, ''Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question.''
  
• Good News - A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
  
  Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
  
  Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
  
  Says He: "OK darling, but since I've...
• Australian Virgin - A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.
  
  On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. ...
• Suspicious Mother - Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
  During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
  noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
  
  Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Br...
• Women's Instructions - Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
  
  Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
  
  Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
  
  What do you do if y...
• Bad Cook - A man was trying to console his new wife, who was crying like crazy: "Darling, believe me, I never said you were a bad cook. I just pointed out the fact that our garbage disposal has developed an ul...
• Under The Table - Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table a...
• Problems With The Car - WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
  HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
  WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
  HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I...
• Feminist Protest - A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
  
  Somehow the professor heard ab...
• Vibrating Husband - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
  
  "What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
  
  The daught...
• What Did He Say? - An elderly couple were driving across the country.
  
  The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai.
  
  The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
  
  The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did...
• Disgracing The Family - There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
  
  Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to lik...
• Canaries - Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
  
  The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacatio...
• Mother Of Six - A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.
  
  One night, they get a cha...
• Trip To Europe - A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
  
  "You have so much to live fo...
• Staying Young - Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
  
  Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
• Dating Young - The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
  
  The doctor told her that teenagers today were...
• Golfing With The Wife - A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
  
  Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sli...
• Free Meat - It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
  
  Finally he offered to ...
• Cold Hands - Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,'''Honey, my hands are freezing!'' She says, ''Well put them between my thighs and that will wa...
• What Day It Is - Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
  
  "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
  
  At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened t...
• Difficult Question - A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
  <...
• Accidental Touch - A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and...
• Reproducing Bull - A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bul...
• Happy Gorrila - It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
  are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
  loose-fitting, pink spring
  dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
  jeans and a T-shirt.
  
  The ...
• Aunt Karen's Moral - The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
  
  The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
  
  Ashley said, "My father's ...
• 60 Minutes Present - Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
  
  His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don'...
• Tatoo Gift - It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek....
• Dating A Dentist - A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
  
  The girl watches...
• Dead Husband - A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
  
  "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a ...
• Letters Of Love - A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never...
• Bad Shape - A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor
  called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
  very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the fol...
• Advice For Women - Advice From Men To Women...
  Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...
  
  If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
  
  Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new c...
• Under The Table - John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.
  
  Their wa...
• Purifying Water - A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
  The nun giggles and replies, "Well, on...
• Magic Cure - Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her h...
• At The Dentist - A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
  
  The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
  
  You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now,...
• Deathbed - Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began t...
• When Logic Prevails - Two nuns went out of their convent for a walk. One of them is
  known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known
  as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still
  far away from the convent.
  
  SL: Have you ...
• A Doctor's Opinion - A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
  
  The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
  
  By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and ph...
• Some Marriage's Insights - My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
  -- Henny Youngman
  
  My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield
  
  A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
  -- Milton ...
• Question Of Height - A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
  
  After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's offi...
• Cause For Unrest - In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
  
  Then God created man and rested.
  
  Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has r...
• Brain's Change Result - Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
  
  Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and sa...
• Religious Tits - A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
  
  'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
  
  '...
• A Human Car Performance - Three women were talking about their love lives.
  
  The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
  
  The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
  
  The third said, "Mine is like a...
• Cheating Wife - Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
  
  Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." ...
• Riding With An Indian - A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
  An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode o...
• Kuweit Wedding - A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
  
  She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now w...
• Italian Virgin - Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says th...
• Hypnotist Error - It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
  
  As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists...
• Letters On The Skin - Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest.
  The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?"
  
  She replys, " Well, my boyfriend...
• Lost Ball - A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
  Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when...
• Ugly Boy - A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
  
  Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
  
  The joyful father rushed to the nursery ...
• Band New Porsche - A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure...
• Why A Divorce? - A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
  
  She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
  
  "No...
• Learning Each Other - A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
  She said, But we don't know anything about each other.
  
  He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.
  
  So she consent...
• Nail The Cow - A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
  
  "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I w...
• Fourth Husband - A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
  "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
  
  "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
  
  "Oh, how tragic...
• Cinderella's Wishes - Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
  
  One sunny afternoon, out of n...
• Cinderella's Wishes - Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
  
  One sunny afternoon, out of n...
• The Ventriloquist - A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts...
• Coincidence - A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidenc...
• In A Lift - An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.'
  Then another youn...
• Cut-Backs - A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
  
  "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
  
  "Okay,...
• Face Lift - A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of ...
• Counselling Genious - After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last stra...
• Pinching - As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly
  furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
  gorgeous young blonde woman.
  As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
  whir...
• Different Father - A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never ...
• Married For The Money - Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
  
  After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go...
• Get Me The Manager - A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he ...
• Working Together - At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
  
  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
  
  "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win toge...
• Old But Horny - Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"
  
  "Oh, yes!" was the reply.
  
  "What do you do about it?" asked the first.
  
  "I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply....
• Men Super Store - Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
  
  The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you...
• What Do I Look Like? - A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
  The husband just looked at his wife and sai...
• Getting Weighed - Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
  
  "I want to get weighed," she said.
  
  They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she ...
• Naked Accident - A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.
  
  When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfrie...
• Maths And Logic - There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
  
  SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us fo...
• Three Drunk Women - Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
  
  The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, ...
• Shocked Old Ladies - Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three ol...
• Virgin's Confession - A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.
  
  "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
  " Why di...
• Great Female Comebacks - Man "Haven't we met before?"
  Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
  
  Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
  Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
  
  Man "Is this seat empty?"
  Woman "Yes, and ...
• Brown Balls - The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls y...
• Dead Husbands - A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
  
  "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
  
  "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
  
  "Oh, how trag...
• Affair With The Dentist - Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
  
  But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. ...