Jokes Archive starting from 1 to 100

• Bush Talking - George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
  white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
  man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
  
  George W. approached ...
• A Christian Deed - An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
  
  "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
  
  He tur...
• Useful Sermon - A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
  Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
  and sit at the back. During the service he would
  sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
  
  On Sunday, he went to ...
• Jewish Mother - A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day
  of kindergarten.
  
  "Behave, my Buibaleh" she says.
  
  "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come
  right back home on t...
• A Jewish Mother - A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons.
  A passerby asks her how old the boys are.
  "The doctor is three" the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."
  ...
• Religious Mother - Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
  
  The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
  
  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walk...
• An Embarrassing Mistake - A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
  
  The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
  
  ...
• Knows To Pray - As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
  One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
  
  "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us pu...
• Living Longer - A man went to see his Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?"
  
  "No," the Rabbi replied, "It will just feel longer."...
• Leaving The Convent - In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
  "Mother, I want to quit the veil."
  "But why, my child?"
  "To become a prostitute."
  "What? What are you saying?"
  "I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
  "Oh, yo...
• Biblical Love - After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''
  
  The Lord gave a...
• Beggars In Mexico - Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held b...
• Relatively - Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
  
  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
  
  The Lord replies, "A minute."
  
  Einstein asks, "And what does ...
• Priest In The Ocean - There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out to God for help.
  
  All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said "Father, let me help you".
  
  The priest replied "No, no my son. The Lord will save me."
  
  The canoe...
• All The Same - A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
  
  "What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
  
  "That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man sai...
• Rabbi In A Confession - A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to...
• Jesus Is Watching - A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
  around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you".
  
  He...
• Trial of the Nuns - When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
  Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
• What Is A Million Years? - A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
  
  "God? You there, God?" he asked
  
  "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answ...
• A test for monks - The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion.
  
  He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their penis.
  
  After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him...
• Pope Drive - The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was
  taking a limousine to the airport.
  
  Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he
  could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't
  have much of a choice, so...
• Heaven Clock - A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"
  
  The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts th...
• Dying Preacher - An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned f...
• Vows Of Silence - There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.
  
  At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told h...
• The Pope vs. Moishe - About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
  
  The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old m...
• Improvements in Hell - An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. ...
• God Takes a Vacation - God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.
  
  "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
  
  St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this tim...
• Bhagwan and the Lotto - Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
  
  “Oh Bhagwan, please help me...
• Not Tonight - After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
  
  Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
  
  The Lord gave a brief desc...
• The Carpenter Son -
  
  One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
  
  "Hello? Hello?"
  
  Jesus replied, "Who is it?"
  
  "Just a poor, old carpenter se...
• The Lord Will Save Me - It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "...
• Church Sign Chuckles -
  
  Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
  
  -Fire Insurance Inside
  -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
  -God Answers Knee Mail
  -PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
  -Sign b...
• The Guardian Angel Mistake -
  
  A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explai...
• Holy Water - One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
  He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
  legs, and then threw away his crutches.
  
  An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory
  to tell the prie...
• Where is your beard? -
  After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
  
  "But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
  
  "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a ...
• Polly Want a WHAT? -
  
  This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
  
  "What do they say?" the priest asked.
  
  "They only know how to say,...
• It's in the Bible - During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
  that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He
  confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
  somewhere in the Bibl...
• Priest Golfing - A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.
  
  "God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.
  
  The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.
  
  "Do...
• A Jewish Parrot -
  Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
  
  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
  
  The se...
• How Many Does It Take? - A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes:
  
  Q. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
  
  A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green jello salad...
• Just a Dumb Bird? - A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang...
• Some Improvements in Hell - An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popul...
• Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah? - Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details wer...
• Welcome At Church? - Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at t...
• Bulletin Bloopers - 1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  
  2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  
  3. The ...
• The Catholic Priest - A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of his
  congregation walked in and said, "Forgive father for I have sinned...I
  cheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to."
  The priest would reply, "Y...
• Sister, Got Milk? - There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
  
  However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. Bu...
• Jesus Tackles The Drug - Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sends his...
• The Athiest - One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...
  
  He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
  
  He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new ...
• You are not in the book - Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.
  The first preacher walked up and said" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in".
  St. Peter checked his list and s...
• Crucified - Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter.
  
  "Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something" Jesus cries.
  
  So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the cro...
• Holy Bread - A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.
  He meets with the Pope: "Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantial
  donation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition......
• Sermon Sleep - One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
  local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
  husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
  embarrassing. What should I do?"
  
  "I have an ide...
• No Cussing In Church - A man went to church one day and afterward he
  stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,
  "Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a damned
  fine sermon. Damned good!"
  
  The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd
  rather you ...
• The Pope and Taco Bell - The Pope and the manager from Taco bell were talking one day and the man goes we will give you one million dollars if you change the lords prayer from bread to taco.
  The Pope goes no my people in Rome wouldn't be happy.
  The man from Taco ...
• The Vow - A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said "Bed Hard", then turned and ...
• I AM - A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, "God, are you black or white"? God responds, "I Am that I Am". The white preacher says "He's white". The black preacher says, "W...
• Deserted Islands - On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of
  nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you
  might expect, a shipwreck:
  
  2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman,
  2 Ge...
• Religious - Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Anot...
• wheres god? - there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went ...
• Forgive Me Father - An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to the Priest: "Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek forgiveness for my sins".

  The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says: "Tell...

• They Didn't Have Nike's In Those Days - A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your...
• Silent Battle With The Pope - Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If th...
• Pennies And Seconds - A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

  "God? You there, God?" he asked.

  "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answere...

• Good vs. Evil - One Day the Devil challenged God to a baseball game.

  Smiling God proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

  "Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpi...

• Destroying The World - Noah's Ark... If it happened today

  And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two ...

• Would You Give Up? - A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

  A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex l...

• Jesus, Are You There? - A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus...
• Executive Recruit - A successful female executive stood before the Pearly Gates, facing St. Peter himself. "Strange," mused St. Peter, "we've never had an executive make it this far before. I'm not sure what to do with you. While I think it over, I'll let you experie...
• Married Couple - On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married ...
• The Pope - The pope receives a call from Frank Perdue one day. Frank says to the pope,"Holy Father, I have a great proposal I'd like you to consider. I would like to pay the Church one million dollars in return for your agreement to change the words of the ...
• Catholic Dog - Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.

  "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?" ...

• Funny You Should Ask - One day a middle-aged Jewish man named Leo hears from his son attending university. "I've decided to become a Christian, Dad."

  Leo panics. "What do I do?" he asks himself. The only thing he can think to do is call his rabbi.

  "Funny you ...

• Rather Yell - After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

  "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

  "Well," the ...

• No Jews - A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.

  The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, 'Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.' The Je...

• Religious Man And An Atheist - A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

  However, the atheist's lif...

• Fallen - An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

  Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." >From the...

• Throw It All Into A River - A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it all into the river."

  With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it all into the rive...

• Catholic School - Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

  The very first day, he came home with a v...

• Biggest Sex Life Lie - A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

  "Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

  "Boys, boys, boy...

• Work Smarter, Not Harder - A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.

  "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"

  "No, thanks," s...

• Heaven, I'm In Heaven... - Marty & Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved.

  As ...

• The Flying Nun - A Highway Trooper is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel of the car he has pulled over. "I'm terribly sorry maam but its not safe to do 35 mph on the interstate."

  "But all the signs said 35," she replied.

  "Those are route signs,...

• The Pope's Killer Nod - The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures.

  The Queen deci...

• Satan Himself - One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

  ...

• Letter from God - One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God yes, it is ...
• Pray for me - One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked st...
• Last Rites - The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

  Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

  The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. ...

• Office prayer - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes ...
• Gates of Heaven - A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I ...
• Happy Sinner - Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."

  The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a gla...

• A Religious Bear? - In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

  The hunter ran and ran and ran, u...

• You Get What You Pray For - This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

  "...

• Diagnosis - One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
  
  His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
  
  Si...
• Car Problem - One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
  
  The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
  
  The chemical enginee...
• Online Too Long - 70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
  
  
  1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
  
  2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
  
  3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
  
  4. You have ...
• Microsoft VS. GM - At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 mi...
• Job Interview - Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
  
  The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits p...
• New AOL Messages - Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. ...
• Life Before the Computer - An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found ou...