Work Smarter, Not Harder
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"

"No, thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. Rest in the shade."

Again the young man protested. "Oh, no, sir. My father would be ... more

Heaven, I'm In Heaven...
Marty & Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved.

As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed into theirs, killing Marty & Jane instantly.

St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion: "Y... more

The Flying Nun
A Highway Trooper is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel of the car he has pulled over. "I'm terribly sorry maam but its not safe to do 35 mph on the interstate."

"But all the signs said 35," she replied.

"Those are route signs, maam. This is route 35". At this point he looks in the back seat to see two more nuns, mouths ajar, eyes wide open, in an obvious state of shock.

"Whats the matter?" he asks.

"Oh, we just pulled off of route... more

The Pope's Killer Nod
The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures.

The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him, "Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."

She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.

Not to be ... more

Satan Himself
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated fr... more

Letter from God
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the... more

Pray for me
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before leaving the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for... more

Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anyb... more

Office prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

... more

Gates of Heaven
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the ... more