The Lord Will Save Me
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.

The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank... more

Church Sign Chuckles


Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:

-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Regis isn't the only on to offer a lifeline
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is o... more

The Guardian Angel Mistake


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She f... more

Holy Water
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the... more

Where is your beard?

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." ... more

Polly Want a WHAT?


This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talk... more

It's in the Bible
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He
confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend,
I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS
somewher... more

Priest Golfing
A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor. more

A Jewish Parrot

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah... more

How Many Does It Take?
A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes:

Q. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green jello salads and red punch.

Q. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. We can't know.

Q. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One to do it and every other one on eart... more