Married Women
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fr... more

How Much?
A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is Andre a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
<... more

Perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached h... more

Pregnant
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she
has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a matur... more

Woman Will Always Be
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man repl... more

Wild Thinking
A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left.
He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cr... more

Revenge
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard an... more

Four Animals
A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing
in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what
kind of animals did you want?'

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
my bed, and a jackass to pay for all ... more

Mixed Up Words
A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need
to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "... more

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer... more